Not sure what is wrong with me...

Okay, I don't get it!  Why can I not stop thinking about Jason???  I love R, but that does not change the way I have always felt about Jason!  Have you ever had a guy you couldn't say no to?  A guy that was so wrong for you, but so right?  That was Jason for me.  I was always so happy just to be with him.  I loved doing everything I did for him, whether it was cooking, cleaning, washing his back while he was in the shower, fixing his plate for him, just taking care of him.  I even made sure he took medicine when he had a headache, and gave him backrubs every night, because I just loved touching him....and it made me SO HAPPY to be doing it...because I was doing it for HIM!  Now he is gone, and I will never be able to do any of that again... Now, I know I am with R, so I wouldn't be doing any of that anyway, but now I CAN'T!!!!  And NEVER WILL AGAIN!!!  Does that mean that I don't love R the way I think I do?  Since they have both been in my life, I have known that I would be with one of them forever.  Because Jason has never been willing to commit, I believed it would be R.  But Jason DID want to commit to me, and I told him no because I was with R.  Was that the right choice?  I know that there is no way to change it now, but what if I was meant to be with Jason?  What if by being with him, I could have changed everything?  What if him getting in that wreck is my fault???  Did he know I loved him when he died?  Or did he die thinking that I was over him and didn't care, because I was with R???  And why can't I just STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM?!?!?!  Right now I am sitting here waiting for R to call me, and all I can think about is Jason!  I love R, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and have his pretty little babies...so why do I cry over Jason every night?  Why do I regret more than anything telling him I couldn't be with him?  BUT HE IS GONE!!!!  NOT COMING BACK!!!  So why does it matter so much???  Why do I miss him so much???  Why would I give anything for just one more day???  It is now two months and five days since his wreck, and I want more than ever to have him back!  Where is the healing and the peace???  Why does it HURT SO BAD???  Will it ever stop?  Will I ever stop crying over something that will never be?  I always prayed that Jason would find the one girl he could not live without, and he would get married and be happy...even when he broke my heart, I just wanted him to be happy...even if he was happy with someone else.  I think it would be SO much easier if he WAS with someone else...  But what if I was the one girl or him, and I told him no...  This is CRAZY!!!  I should be thinking about how wonderful my life with R is going to be...and I do, believe me, I DO think about that...I love him.  But I miss Jason...so much...and think about him all the time...

WHY?????!!!!!!??????