How do you deal when you feel like nothing is ever going to be the same again and you REALLY REALLY want things to go back to normal!?!?!?!
I lost my mom in December of '03 to cervical cancer. I have been raising my brother (now 14) and my sister (now 17) since their father kicked them out of the house in January of '05. I try not to think about it much these days, but that was a huge blow for me. My mom was THE most important person in my life...and now that she is gone, my life is NOTHING like I EVER pictured it would be...now I feel like I am living her life, not my own. I am living in the town SHE wanted to live in, raising HER kids. But I can honestly say that I would do it again in a heartbeat. They are so much better off with me than with their father. But I did what I had to do, and I dealt with it to the best of my ability....
Now I am having to deal with another death...one that I never expected. I mean, with my mom, she had cirrhosis of the liver for a long time. We were told three seperate times that she would not make it. But she did, she beat it all three times! Then she came down with cervical cancer. So she was sick for a long time. When you deal with any long term illness, you begin to come to terms with the idea that the person you love might die. Granted, you are still broken apart inside when/if they do, but you have a small part of yourself that was able to steel you against a little of the pain, because you had time while they were alive to deal with the thought of their death. What I am dealing with now was sudden, and it has been two months now, and I am no closer to accepting or dealing or coping with the loss than I was the day it happened!
Okay, I have to get back to work. I will explain more of it later.....
7 comments:
Death is never an easy thing to deal with, the pain and heartache one suffers after losing a loved one is unexplainable. They always say in time it gets easier.... I haven't quite figured that out just yet... My grandma passed in March 99' suddenly, the first in my family to pass ~ It didn't sit well with me, i couldn't imagine life without her...I still think of her all the time and miss her more and more everyday, my grandma and grandad help raise me until my mom married my stepdad when i was 12...so they are like parents to me also. My Aunt that I was closest to passed away March 06' of cancer ...from the day she found out ~ I didn't know how to cope with it ~ for fear of losing her....the one i turned to in good times and bad....the one who was always there for me... Time and time again she would always ask me my thoughts on her cancer journey ....but i could not answer. I didn't want her to see my fear, or to see me cry. She was more than just an aunt, she was more like a sister to me. My aunt was 43yrs. old when she passed away, and turned 44yrs. old on the day she was buried...she left behind a wonderful husband and a 14yr old daughter. Many times I have asked WHY? I still don't have the answer to that, and I guess I never will... Since the day she found out she had cancer... she said "Thy will be done"....asked us not to be mad at God....for if it was God's will.... to accept it(not in those exact words).... I still have a very hard time dealing with death ...it's just so hard.
To be cont. (my comment is too long..won't let me type it all)
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother...and the recent loss you have encountered....please know your not alone...and we are here for you always. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
You have taken on the role of your mother in raising your brother and sister, Your mother must be so proud of you(smiling from up above)...that is wonderful...and I know your brother and sister will be grateful to you forever for coming to their rescue.... You sound like an amazing woman..and I am glad to have met you through Kelly.
Hugs,
Terri
Sudden death can take a very long time to get over. One day at a time, one step at a time!
~~Kath~~
Hi, I am Terri's (chevyz71gurl) mom. As you can see in her comment below I have lost my mom and my youngest sister. I am truly sorry for your loss. Terri has tried to get me to start a journal, although I like to read journals, I can't seem to bring myself to write for others to read. I hope you find comfort in writing your journal and though I may not comment often I will be here.
Debbie
Kelly sent me over and i am looking forward to hearing more of your story.
tina
http://journals.aol.com/mcknansmom/steelmags
hi kelly sent me over:) i added you to my alerts
Deb
Welcome Cassie...learned about you through Kelly just wanted to say hi!! I will be reading :)
http://journals.aol.com/breakaway1968/breakaway/
Carrie
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