I am just tired, folks.....

 

WARNING!!!  VERY ANGRY AND EMOTIONAL POST AHEAD!!!!

I don't know how else to put it.  I am just tired. 

I'm tired of never being good enough. 

I'm tired of doing everything I can and just getting grief for the things I don't do.

I gave up so many things I wanted in my life.  I came back to this stupid town that I have hated my whole life.  I have worked jobs I hated, jobs that made me miserable.  I have worked at convenience stores for $5.25 to $6.25 an hour (with a DEGREE!!!), I have been the person who delivers newspapers to stores for $50 a week, I have worked in places where I am unappreciated, underpaid, overworked.  I have argued with my friends, fought with my fiance, lost myself!

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I currently work at a job where I am completely unhappy.  I leave the house around 7 a.m. and most nights don't get home till almost 7 p.m., sometimes later.  I sometimes work weekends.  I have more responsibilities and more job duties than any one person can handle.  I stress about my job even when I am not there.  I bring home work to do at night and on weekends, work that I do not get paid to do.  I deal with it every time I stay late at work or bring work home that I have stayed up half the night to do, then get a lecture and threats when I clock in 3 minutes late the next morning.  I bite my tongue every time my boss gives me something "urgent" to do that he could do on his own when I have ten other things on my desk that he has already told me are "urgent".  I deal with the disrespect that seems to come more and more every day in my office.  There are more things than I can even list that I deal with, that I just bite my tongue and take because this job is what is supporting us all right now. 

Yet, all I hear is "you don't do ANYTHING!"!  My sister went to feed (her) cat, and she asked me where the cat food was.  I told her "I don't know, you are the last one who fed him."  So....once again....I don't ever do anything.  Oh...she also fed the two (hers and our brother's) dogs tonight.  She doesn't have a job.  I make sure she has what she needs AND what she wants, even when I have to go into debt to do it.  She sits at home ALL DAY EVERY DAY and every once in a while she will clean the bedroom, or the living room, or wash a load of clothes.  I wash the dishes, I cook.  I go to the grocery store.  The majority of times I take the clothes to the laundry place to dry them.  AND I work.  Between the work and the drive to and from work, I am gone from this house at least fifty hours a week.  AT LEAST!  I am home and AWAKE at the most five hours a day (and that's when i stay up until midnight) five days a week.  So why...oh please tell me why.....should I have to spend that five hours plus my weekend cleaning, and cooking, and washing, and doing everything when she does NOTHING!?  Why should I have to take care of HER pets?  And she tells me "all you do at work is sit at a computer all day".  She has NO FREAKING IDEA what I do all day, or what I put up with simply so I can take care of her and our brother!  Does she have any idea how bad it hurts me when she says things like that?  Does she have any idea that when she says I'm lazy and I don't do anything, it takes me back to the days of living in the house with her father (my step-father) where I was told EVERY DAY that I was worthless, and lazy, and fat, and stupid!?  Where no matter what I did or how much I did or how I did it, it was NEVER good enough?!  Does she have any idea?

Probably not.  She was only 7 when I finally got the hell out of there, and he VERY RARELY treated her that way, if ever. 

One of her favorite things to say to me used to be that I just didn't understand her life, because I had it so EASY.  Yeah...it was SO EASY to explain away that black eye in high school.  And the time he knocked out my tooth....piece of cake.  It was SO EASY to be woke up every day by him hitting me with the first thing he grabbed.  It has been so easy to live my life with his voice inside my head every day telling me how worthless I am.  Oh, and it didn't bother me at all the day he came in my room and told me that he didn't understand how I could ever think anyone could love me.  And all of that was BEFORE I found out he was NOT my real father. 

Easy.  Taking care of my brother and sister from the time they were born until the day I moved out because my mother became an alcoholic after my sister was born.  Protecting them from his temper and his violence.  Putting myself in the way so that he would hit me instead of my mother.  Facing him down the day he threw her down the stairs.  Hiding in my room from the time he came home from work until he passed out drunk at night....only coming out to eat supper AFTER he passed out, because anytime he saw me eating he raged on and on about how all I ever did was eat, and I was a fat blob.  Hiding my books because if he saw me reading I was a worthless piece of shit.  Mowing an acre of yard with a push mower in 90 to 100 degree weather, including in the woods, AFTER picking up all of his beer cans from the yard, because that was the only time I was doing something worthwhile....but even then I wasn't doing it right.  Going to the community college in my hometown, instead of getting the hell out of dodge, because I had to stay home and take care of my mother after she was diagnosed with liver disease.  Finally leaving, only to send most of my paycheck to my mother because he wouldn't pay the bills or buy the kids birthday presents or Christmas presents.  Finally leaving, only to get called home again because she was diagnosed with cancer.  Spending twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, in the hospital with her, because everyone else had other things to do.  Walking in and having her tell me to get out of her room because she didn't know who I was.  Holding her hand and telling her that if she had to go, I would understand....listening to Melinda and Michael's names being the last words she ever spoke, and promising her I would always take care of them.  Then holding her hand as she took her last breath.  Sitting in the hospital room with her, alone, singing amazing grace and waiting for the funeral home to come.  Telling Melinda (14) and Michael (11) that their mother was dead.  Arranging my mother's funeral by myself at 24 years old because no one would help me.  Going less than a month later, putting myself BACK in that man's house so that I could make sure that the kids had a good Christmas even though they lost their mom the same month.  And listening to him tell me that I f***** up my mother's funeral AND the kids Christmas.   Listening to him tell Melinda and Michael and everyone else who would listen that I never did anything for my mother.  Dealing with my whole family turning against me after she died, like I wasn't a member of the family anymore because she was gone.  Bringing my brother and sister to live with me when he kicked them out a year after she died.  At the age of 25 taking on a 15 and 12 year old to raise the best I could with no help from their father or anyone else in our family. 

Yep.....it's been a piece of cake for me my whole life....why did I never see that before?

I'm sorry, guys.  I didn't mean to go off like that.  Ironically enough, this is a really happy time in my life....lol!  But I have rambled on long enough....I will save the happy news for tomorrow....hopefully I will feel better about life tomorrow.  lol....I'm not sure what happened tonight to put me in this mood.