Okay everyone....sorry it's been so long since I made an entry.....I don't have internet at my new house yet! lol! We moved last weekend. My brother came with me, but my sister has decided to stay in Carthage for a while......don't know how long that's going to last when she figures out she can't pay the bills without a job! lol!
Well, the move has been great, in my opinion. I love the house, and I love being back in this area.....of course, I am still stressing over a job, cause I don't have one yet, but Kelly and I have been looking, and I have some leads...so I am hopeful....
Well, I do have some news....news that I am very stressed out about and have no idea what to do about it. I went to get a copy of my social security card today from the social security administration, and when they gave me the paperwork to sign, I was reading it and it had a man's name listed as my father. Now, for those of you who don't know, I was born in October of '79, and my mother married my step-father in January of '80. No one's name was listed on my birth certificate under father, and I thought that my step-father was my real father until I was 18. Christmas the year I turned 18, I asked my mother if he was my real father and she told me no. I asked who WAS, and she told me she would tell me another time. She passed away without ever telling me. I have had several conversations with people in my family, and they gave me a name and several different jobs that he may or may not have had.....but that's all anyone knew. Well, that and the fact that he took off when my mother told him she was pregnant. So, I went to the SSA and this man's name was on my paperwork as my father. Same name my aunts told me. SO Kelly and I came home and did some internet research, and there is only one man in the entire united states who has this name....first, last, and middle initial. We have his name, his age, his wife's name, his son's name, his son's wife's name, his address, and his phone number. Part of me wants to call him...but I can't think of what I should say....all I have right now is anger for him.....anger that he could leave me to be raised by that man my mother married. Angerthat after 28 years he has never wondered enough about me to try to find me. Anger that he had a child four years older than me.....a child who has his name. I know if I call him that anger will show. Kelly, always the voice of reason for me, has said that I don't know the circumstances, and until I do, I don't have the right to be angry. Maybe my mother didn't tell him she was pregnant. Who knows. But that doesn't take my anger away. I have had ten years to build up this anger, and I don't see it going anywhere until I know the truth. We also found out via an article in their newspaper that he has lung cancer. I don't know how to deal with that knowledge.... My mother died from cervical cancer. What if I try to make the anger go away before I contact him....and he dies in the meantime? Then I will never have a chance to know the truth. And that's all I want....I want to FINALLY know the truth. The whole truth. I want to know who I am....and he holds the key to that. I don't want anything from him.....only the truth. I want to know if he knew about me....if he did, I want to know why he left....if he didn't, I want to know what he would have done if he had. I want to know if he has thought about me at all over the years.
Anyway....I am going to sign off of here....I'll make another post when I decide something....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! LOL!
3 comments:
I totally agree with Kelly, you don't know for sure if he knew about you. I had a friend who's mom told her that her real dad just vanished when he found out she was pregnant and that's why she gave her up for adoption. She felt she could not raise her on her own. Her mother died at an early age so she never knew even a name. Turned out the girls sister had kept the information and told her niece about her dad. He had NO idea and was thrilled to have her in his life. And in fact she took his last name and moved into his town to be closer to him. It was all so great for her. So maybe give him a chance to explain to you why. Your 1/2 siblings have the right to know they have a sister out there too. They may want to have a relationship with you. The big thing is...you could get medical information you will need if you ever have your own children. Good luck!! SO happy to see you here and glad you like your new home. I was keeping in touch through Kelly ;) Glad she was adding a little in there about what was going on with you.
Carrie
I personally think if you are that angry then you should wait till you have calmed down. Especially if he is ill, you don't want to be causing him any undue stress regardless of the situation do you? Then again I do think you should call him, it is the only way you will ever gain peace on the subject xx
Jenny
http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife
Hey girl!
Glad you are liking your new house....best of luck in finding the job you want....
I've never met my real dad either...i am 33yrs old now...my mom has been married to my stepdad since i was 12yrs old...they started dating when i was 6.... I have alot of pent up anger towards my bio-dad too...all the whys and wonders of why he hasn't looked for me over the years.... there will always be a void in my life... all i would like to see is a picture of him....I don't believe I want contact with him anymore...I use to think i did...but I have been doing just fine without him for 33yrs...I don't want to build myself up to be let down once again....but thats just me....
If and when you do meet your dad I hope it's a wonderful meeting and that you two can start building a father/daughter relationship....if that is indeed what you want....
Hugs
Terri
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